NEW LEAVES, BUT THEY’RE CRUNCHY & DISTORTED UNDER FOOT

Change is inevitable, but it’s still hard. Everything’s starting to turn orange and there’s a chill in the air, I’ve never felt more alive. 

 I’ve been wanting to expand my music for so long, make it darker, make it daring and make it completely and absolutely mine. My story, my narrative, my thoughts that hopefully others would relate to. The deep dark pit that we don’t often allow ourselves to delve into, I wanted to reflect that in a soft but bold way. And I think I’ve done it! I’m so, so proud of this project but why am I still apprehensive? I'm not ready, but when will I ever be? 

My last project was so fun, but there will always be a bitter taste in my mouth about how it abruptly ended because of the COVID19 pandemic. The peak was invisible to me until I looked back whilst watching Boris on the telly and realised that was it, the closest I got to a purposeful career in music. I tried my best with the mind numbing livestreams, the mic set up, the OBS that takes up all your memory, the clapping hands emojis and then the soul sucking silence you hear after you’ve finished a song. It wasn’t for me, someone so used to grassroots evolution and human faces. So I focused on writing, so much so I went into hibernation and my little introverted brain enjoyed it too much. After the pandemic, I found it so difficult to come out of the hibernation mindset, I spent a whole extra year with a stubborn foot in the door of it. I soon had enough to release a project, but I was frozen over what it would convey. I reached into that deep dark pit and I was scared of the truth of the outcome, so ragged and raw, nothing like I’d written before. A contents that would cause some awkward questions and face demons that I have kept in that bloody pit for years. So I sat on those songs for an extra 6 months. 

Eventually, after a conversation with friends and a toe dip session with an amazing producer (Joshy ily). I decided that I like making things too much and if I’ve made the thing, I might as well release the thing. An all rounder. The thing had to come with a whole new set of other things though, a new logo, new image, new website (how meta) The industry has changed, I’m trying to use the clock app but the clock app is 2 dimensional and fickle and my songs aren’t built for such platforms, they tell a story. But, something  has changed that I could control, my contentedness of being a person and living a happy, well rounded life. I no longer feel at this moment that I need the clout, the clapping hands emojis, the validation of dancing teenagers. But I do feel a few dancing teenagers might need these words at some points in their life and that’s what drives me to carry on. 

According to the patriarchy, reinvention is crucial. As I quote from my lord and saviour Taylor Alison Swift “It’s a lot to process because we do exist in this society where women in entertainment are discarded in an elephant graveyard at 35, everyone is a shiny new toy for like two years. The female artists have reinvented themselves 20 times more than the male artists” It might not seem that bad for a musician with mere local success, but like many I know, I still feel it, it’s still looming over us and it makes me not even want to try. Ew how sad. But what brings me back to reality is that I haven’t made my best art yet and until I do and probably after that, I’ll still be making things, because it’s such a simple answer to such a complicated, closed question, I enjoy it too much to stop.  

So until I’ve got nothing else to say, I’ll be here, making hopefully dark and distorted bops, “another screaming speck of dust” as Florence Welch concluded in that genius lyric in Girls Against God. And boy will the screaming be fun. Come join me and let’s scream into that deep dark pit together. The songs that are coming are for me and you. 

My first single will be out soon, enjoy the hype until then.